'The Hike' - Chapter Twenty-Two - The Mother Of All Problems

I lived in many places, but my mind always remained the most dangerous one. As long as I spent time there, I was not safe. My biggest enemy is me, and the only person responsible for the situation in my life is living inside my head. My mind sabotaged every chance I was given until that point. I ruined relationships like there’s no tomorrow, abusing trust and money, only to transform my reality into something more comfortable to suit my fears. I was held back in the same spot for years, thinking I was living — pushing the truth so far down I forgot what it meant: freedom.

But how does a person escape this ongoing cage of lies that was built over years?
They were so comforting. And they were working — for a while.
I built a support system out of them, staring into feelings that should have been ignored, while losing time on people who didn’t lose time on me, leaving behind people who actually meant something.

Thinking is a huge problem.
The mother of all problems.
Yes, we use our minds and thinking for the better, but sometimes — when you don’t have emotional intelligence or awareness of the difference between a thought and thinking, or an emotion and what you think about after the emotion — life can be a rollercoaster.

Although I couldn’t stop thinking at that point — no matter how hard I tried to numb my mind in Sofia — when I’m challenged by a new environment, my focus shifts from inwards to outwards. Here, I had my share of time to punish myself for what I did in the past and what I’ve become… but what was the point?

The point was to switch this damn program I downloaded from my parents long ago and put some upgrades on it.
To overcome their influence, create my own reality — and freaking move on and live my life to the fullest.

So, what was the first thing I did when I stepped into the hut?
As in most cases: I located the hut manager, the refrigerator, and the toilet.

The owners of this charming house — with a magnificent “I want to live here” view — welcomed me politely and gave me a bed in the attic, which was slightly cheaper than the rooms downstairs. But there was no one up there, so I had the whole space to myself — and it had around 20 or maybe even more beds all over the floor of this dark, triangle-shaped room.

To get there, I had to climb a metal ladder. And once I had one beer and my usual energy source, I went up — with my huge bag on my busted back — to release the heaviness with a normal handjob ritual.

At this point, are we still pretending no one masturbates?
Sometimes it feels like I’m the only freak walking this Earth — until I turn on the news or open Grindr.

I finished myself as quickly as possible — didn’t know if anyone would climb up faster than me — and went downstairs to observe the eagles from the wooden restaurant tables outside, soaking up the last hours of sunlight.

It shook me when I saw the owner’s son — who looked like a newborn — driving an ATV.
I’m well familiar with how hard it is to drive an ATV, especially when you’re drunk.

A couple of years ago, I went to the Bulgarian side of the Black Sea, and during a night out, we decided we could drive. So we found the ATV dirt track lined with tires, meant to signal the way and where to turn. We started chasing each other along the track, and my drunken mind thought it was a good idea to stop the ATV with my leg — like it was a bike or a kick scooter or something.

I felt the tire against my entire leg — and then I drove straight into the tires in front of me.

I remember the guy responsible for the attraction coming to me, scared, asking if I was drunk. I acted so quickly and so offended that he believed me — trying to cover the pain and the blood dripping down my leg.

Coming from that experience, seeing this child on the ATV, I felt afraid for him.
Little did I know — the young bastard was kind of a pro driver. Even for his age. Even for my age.

So I watched the family dynamic, then back to the eagles, then back to the toilet — and onto the fridge for more beer.

And I felt happy.
Looking at that view.
Having another challenging day behind me.
With another challenging day ahead.
Not even thinking about it.

Iliya Badev

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