For Those Learning How to Be Human After 30

For some time after realizing that I was the problem in my own life and that the relationships breaking around me were due to my behavior, I felt oppressed, humiliated, and angry. After a while, I began to feel a sense of optimism about the control I was gaining over myself, the challenges I conquered, and the evolution of my character in the short time since I started working on myself. Fighting against 30 years of habits and patterns is no easy task, but the more you know exactly what you're trying to change, the easier it becomes to overcome it and, in the best cases, transform it into a positive result.

I won’t lie – there’s still that anger inside me, from the fact that no one helped me when I was younger, when it was crucial to build a strong and healthy character. Instead, I was left to navigate unclear motivations and punishments, playing hide and seek, and creating a false persona driven by fear—trying to fit in and hide my true self. Not having the support of family and friends at an early age can turn someone not just into a liar but also into a manipulative, problematic child and an adult who abuses others and himself. I still feel shame when these mechanisms are activated, and I lose control over my thoughts and actions, but the more I learn about the causes and how to counter the impulses, I notice that I handle situations that used to trigger me better and quicker. These changes bring more positive thoughts, and as a result, the direction of my life is starting to shift.

It’s really nice to feel this shift, even after 30, when it seems like everyone around you is in their prime, with control over their own fate and behavior. First, very few people are actually normal, and usually, if we don't take the time to get to know them, what we do is project our own thoughts and experiences onto them. That’s where disappointments and failures come from. Failures mainly stem from focusing on others and, in my case, solving their problems in order to avoid my own.

It’s one thing to be part of Alcoholics Anonymous, where helping others gives you a different perspective and escape, and another to be an obvious procrastinator, immersing yourself in others’ problems to feel like you're doing something with your time, while your own life moves on and your ambitions become a distant memory. To take control over my fate, I had to focus on my own development. So, while I was taking a German course, I started listening to the book Emotional Intelligence by Daniel Goleman. First, I heard the version that’s 30 years old, which was quite short, and within a few days, I managed to get through it. What struck me were the examples the author used to present his viewpoint. Every example, though significantly more extreme than what happened to me, was real and could become part of my own reality.

The second version of Daniel Goleman’s Emotional Intelligence is significantly more evolved than the first, offering a much deeper exploration of the concepts introduced in the original. It expands on each of the five key domains of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-regulation, motivation, empathy, and social skills. Goleman also integrates newer research on the brain's plasticity and the neurobiological basis of emotions, making the book more grounded in the scientific understanding of emotional functioning. The updated version also introduces practical tools for developing emotional intelligence, as well as more diverse case studies and examples. This broader perspective makes it a much more comprehensive guide to understanding and improving emotional intelligence in both personal and professional settings.

Although the book has evolved significantly and the author has expanded every point, even added new ones, it was nice to start with the shorter version, like a teaser to the whole process, which unfolded in the next two books I got through in the following weeks. The long version of Emotional Intelligence might be one of the most important books in my life. Before going through the information in it, I held the opinion that Allen Carr’s Easy Way to Stop Smoking was the most special for me, because through it I felt the change that still brings me benefits. I don’t even remember when I quit smoking, but it turned out that wasn’t the most important battle in my life. The battle I should fight is with my impulses, which, according to Daniel Goleman, can be terribly destructive – something I see daily and am fighting against. Since some habits and mechanisms I learn to protect myself as a child no longer serve me, even after 30 years, I realized that I have to work to change them and that I still have time to do it. This process is ongoing, which means I’ll be coming back to Goleman’s books every year to prevent regression in the improvements I’ve already made while going forward with his other books and other authors.

In my opinion, it’s very important when you begin this process of working on yourself and start to see clearly the wrongs you’ve done, not to forget that they are already part of the past and that people can change. It’s important to pat yourself on the back for the small steps and victories in your mind. It’s important to harness your motivation and build a system that moves from the inside out, rather than waiting for rewards and punishments from the outside in. It’s a lot of work, but I can assure anyone working on themselves that they can immediately start seeing successes if they just begin.

It’s very easy to crush your self-esteem and hurt your dignity, to push people away because either you don't trust anyone, or you’re afraid that their expectations of you will drain you, but that didn’t work for me. I had to throw away the idea that something so serious can be overcome easily and give myself the necessary time and understanding. The setbacks are normal. Problems don’t end, but you can learn to control your reactions to them. If you learn this, you take control over your fate and the primal instinct that limits your freedom. It’s strange that freedom comes with control over yourself, but when you don’t have control over your emotions and reactions, you are a slave to your primal instincts. Not all emotions and thoughts deserve trust, even most of them just appear, and we need to learn to control them because if we let their negativity control us, they become our truth and something like a predestined path, unless we invest time and start charting our own path – who we want to be, and begin to walk in that direction. Here, the two books by Goleman that I’ve read can set the beginning of that path.

YouTube channels like Therapy in a Nutshell also present interesting perspectives and examples of how to deal with what we’re going through.

Therapy in a Nutshell is a YouTube channel that provides concise, insightful content on psychological concepts and emotional well-being. It covers a range of topics, including how to manage stress, deal with anxiety, improve relationships, and develop emotional resilience. The channel uses accessible language to break down complex psychological theories and offers practical tips and strategies for personal growth. By presenting various therapeutic techniques in bite-sized videos, it serves as a useful resource for anyone seeking to improve their mental health, increase self-awareness, and learn healthier coping mechanisms.

he second book by Goleman that I went through is Optimal. It’s a collection of information on how to build your own motivation and path while exchanging time with colleagues. A person is a social animal, and studies show that those who succeed are the ones who easily connect with those around them and their teams. Although IQ can show a development path, a person’s success in social environments depends on how well they understand what’s happening around them. Active listening and empathy are the two most important qualities a person can develop, and the book provides enough information to convince you that no matter how old you are, to succeed in life, you need to constantly work on yourself and the relationships around you.

Emotional intelligence is something I thought I had when I was younger. Back then, I could understand the perspectives of those around me and listen to them because no one wanted to hear my experience. Little by little, I began to realize that my experience matters, and others lost meaning and significance. From one type of loner, I became another type of loner. Now I find my way back to others little by little and work on myself. Goleman’s books are a great tool for self-exploration and development, but if you start this process, it’s very important to learn to show empathy not only to the people around you but also to yourself. Actively listen to yourself, but know that not every thought and feeling is part of your character; sometimes they just pass by and leave no lasting mark, and if we learn not to react impulsively, we can take control over our lives.

Important elements that help me daily to achieve my freedom are sports, movement, yoga, meditation, and breathing exercises. We are all connected through the internet, and there’s so much information that can help us if we know where to look. Ask if you need anything.

Iliya Badev