Short Story About a Heartbreak

Let's figure out how to get out of a relationship I don't want to let go of. They call it a toxic relationship, but they don't tell the whole truth about these romantic endeavors. The harsh truth is that every relationship is a mirror reflecting you, and usually, when we escape toxic behavior, we don't really heal from it. Instead, we just pretend it doesn't exist and put on rose-colored glasses. Being addicted to someone is painful, especially when you hear how little you mean to them. Even though I am one of their anchors for sanity, they don't want to admit it, too proud and selfish to acknowledge it. So how do I leave a relationship I love, but in which I feel bad and unappreciated? How do we face ourselves and not look the other way, asking: do I play a part in this ongoing heartbreak? Obviously, it takes two to dance. Sometimes, you don't need anyone and you dance alone, but that's another conversation. This time, I'm talking about energy draining. I don’t want to let go of this person, even though we spend half the time in the clouds and half the time burning, shooting missiles at each other. After the last argument, I found myself analyzing my behavior. Why can't I let him go?

I like that he is kind and masculine, but he also has a feminine, gentle side that I love. I adore his body, face, and the way he acts; he acts like he doesn’t see my flaws. I love that he is smart and understanding, especially regarding my craziness and emotions, at least most of the time. He is great company; whenever I am with him, I feel like myself. I have discovered parts of myself with him that I didn't know existed. I love that he is rough and gentle at the same time. When he shows his true self, sharing his experiences and culture, I love everything he says in Arabic. His voice, in any language, sounds like honey. His touch and the black hair on his body are electric; his energy goes beyond his physical presence and consumes me.

I like that he’s from Egypt, a totally different culture, although sometimes he crosses the line, especially since I am a complete non-believer and everything sounds illogical. At the same time, I admire his devotion and faith. It’s refreshing to be with someone who believes in something beyond his own existence. These beliefs sometimes challenge my own existence, and I feel like I will always be far away if faith comes first, family second, and friends third.

We’ve known each other for four months, yet I’ve fallen in love—pure love—despite the toxicity and drug use. I love him. I connected with him through his pain, which is so pure that it’s painful to think about. The things he’s been through this year are somethings I can’t even imagine going through. And he’s strong most of the time, which I love, but when he breaks down, I love him even more. The other day, I saw a photo of him on Instagram, and even though we aren’t speaking right now and I think it's better to have some distance—honestly, for both of us—this photo, his eyes, showed me that vulnerability, and I fell apart. Despite his laughing at my feelings, acting like I don’t exist, and saying there’s nothing more between us, those eyes pierce me. The photo reminded me why I fell in love with him. His human form, whenever he allows himself to be open with me. Maybe the camera caught him at the right moment because in that photo, he was... 

It’s really hard to say goodbye not just to a person you love but to a real person, someone I begin to consider as friend. And making friends is hard. His pain and our surreal nights made him real, made that connection possible. I can’t say no to that. I found something real and true, even though we both suffer because of our undeniable egos and distinct yet familiar personalities. I can’t simply overlook the deep connection I’ve made with him. I’m even thinking of sharing this text with him. He deserves to know how I truly feel about him, even though sometimes my behavior might suggest otherwise. Does he even feel close to what I’m feeling? Does he see a real person in my eyes? Does he want... Most of the time, especially the other day when I suggested he loves me and he laughed his wicked laugh, I felt like I am alone in this. There are too many signs that he just needs me to distract himself. And whenever I try to experience something deeper, he goes into this mode of "I don’t need anyone, I only trust myself." Little does he know, he has me in his hands; he can do anything with me. Maybe that's why he sees me as nothing more than a body to fulfill his fantasies. And those fantasies—oh boy—I just can’t begin to explain what our toxic nights turn into. How can he think there’s nothing more than this? Does he do this with others? Because that would kill me. I’m scared to let myself think that there are others—of course, there are—but I’m just not letting myself go there. I need to know that this experience is only between us and cannot be replicated with others. And that’s why it’s so hard to let go. On one hand, I need the answer that I am the only one, and on the other, I can’t bear to think that this might be the last person I’ll feel such a connection with. Are there others?

It is so hard to let go of the memories that have kept this connection alive. Stripping those memories from the love I developed seems wrong, even though this process feels like an avalanche that can't be stopped. To get rid of love is such a waste; I hope it opens new doors for experiencing the feeling again. I miss him. I think about him all the time. Thinking that he is in a similar shape breaks my heart.

***

We are no longer friends and after this December it is better not to be around him. For both of us.

Iliya Badev