'The Hike' - Chapter Six - Hard Stares Into Existence
Chapter 6:
Night 5:
The moment I stepped into Chavdar Hut and saw the hut keeper, who was so positively welcoming and wished for me to stay longer, I let myself go. I needed more rest than usual, and even though that meant losing my guardian angels—the two guys I had been walking with for the past several days—I chose to stay for two nights. The first night, I blacked out quickly due to the enormous amount of rakia I consumed. So in the morning, somewhat ashamed of my behavior, I listened for a moment as the guys went on their way. They had already found someone to take them to their next destination, and I felt alone even before I could open my eyes. Finding some fireworks to scare the bears in the morning warmed my cold and hungover existence. It took me a while to collect myself. I remember spending almost the entire morning staring into oblivion, which is something I inherited from my mother. She often shuts down and stares, mostly when she’s doing something automatic like eating. Usually, whenever I see my parents' presence in my actions or recognize their characteristics, I shake myself out of it or feel even worse, realizing that I’ve inherited their worst qualities. I don’t remember waking up to the realization of a good trait I inherited from them. I know that sounds harsh; they have their positive qualities, but as their child, I struggle to find the good, even with the unconditional love I have for them. Can you imagine how I treat myself, how harshly I cut, late at night when I should be asleep? I’ll survive.
Day 6:
I spent an entire morning staring—a very boring morning in which I discovered that moving from hut to hut is my new passion. This place is magical; Ivo is the friendliest hut keeper that I’ve encountered. Yet, I feel this urge to move, to go, as if this pause is wrong. Something wild was calling me, yet I obeyed my body and stayed. Living in a hut means you’re going to drink alcohol. It’s like a rule; daily drinking is a must. Fighting this rule is like disturbing the order of the universe, or at least in the mountains. The animals hear you, the trees shake, and the hut keeper is not happy. So, you drink, and if you’re drunk, you know that the only cure for a hangover is to drink more. The first beer after a long night transforms everything. These days, I rarely have such hangovers and rarely drink, which is another secret to a healthier, less hungover life, but drunks don’t want you to know that; they need company. During my day off, the hut keeper and I talked about his need for someone to help with daily tasks, keep him company, and drink more. Without a home and no prospect for one, I immediately volunteered. We talked more about it and agreed that when I return from the end of that adventure and the sea trip I was planning with my friends afterward, I can move in. The hut has electricity, internet, a washing machine, fun people passing by, and is located in one of the most beautiful places in the Bulgarian Balkan. Even though leaving Sofia wasn’t planned, I found this opportunity to be one of the most interesting things that could happen in someone’s life. For 10 years, I had been living with my foot on the gas pedal, taking speed, drinking, always in a hurry, constantly worrying, inhaling the worst air you could imagine. Whenever I was in Sofia, I was disgusted by the air quality and pollution from cars and people who cared less about anything as long as they were in the comfort of their own automobiles. Sofia screamed "I don’t care for you" for 10 years, and I only heard it once I left the town. I was starting to feel fresh.
It’s funny; sometimes I can barely recall something, but if I have a song, album, or piece of music to connect it to, I can easily unleash the feelings I had back then. The memories change, so it’s good to have an anchor for them. My anchor for that day was Miley Cyrus's new single "Midnight Sky." This song is something else. For the next couple of days, it will be my engine and main motivation to walk.
''...Yeah, it's been a long night and the mirror's tellin' me to go home (home)But it's been a long time since I felt this good on my own
Uh, lotta years went by with my hands tied up in your ropes
Forever and ever, no more
The midnight sky is the road I'm takin'
Head high up in the clouds
Oh
I was born to run, I don't belong to anyone, oh no
I don't need to be loved by you (by you)
I don't need to be loved by you...''
The lyrics were moving, the melody was familiar, and Miley's voice was empowering. I felt a mix of emotions about my heartbreak, the failures I’d faced, the cigarettes, the drinking, and the drugging. All I needed right now was to get up and move, yet I stayed. For an entire day, I indulged in drinking and drugging without moving. It felt like a nightmare. With my ongoing obsession with hiking, this part of the trip only served as a teaser. I had forgotten how to rest, how to be still. Although I hadn’t been on this trip long, I had already adapted to this inner restlessness that was pushing me to leave my sitting positions. I walked around the hut, had some beers and rakia, but nothing seemed to work. We talked with the hut keeper, and if I remember correctly, he wanted me to stay another day. This wasn’t possible; I had barely allowed myself to stay this long. Don’t get me wrong—his company was refreshing, and the hut was perfect, but I had to go.
Night 6:
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