'The Hike' - Chapter Four - We Start Missing People Right After They're Really Gone
Chapter 4:
Day 4:
It was kind of weird to see the town I escaped from after walking for what seemed like forever coming ahead of me. Sofia was right before me, asking me to come back, and that thought was honey to taste but just for a moment. Immediately, the ten long years of memories there popped up and destroyed the sweetness of this illusion. I remember this day because of the rain. It was like the cloud was following us, and we were part of the song 'Why does it always rain on me?' We were traveling to the next hut, me and the two guys from Gabrovo, who I found to be very comforting company. Both of them were experienced, and even just having someone around at this time, I found to be a pleasure. I guess we start missing people right after they are really gone. And for a while, alone in the mountain, the need of seeing someone, anyone, was overwhelming. Every company and obstacle on the way distracted me from the pain I was trying to unload, that one guy that got away. Cheesy, right, I know, but back then the pain was even heavier than my backpack, and it held me back for years after; seeing the city once again brought all the memories back.
The rain never let me take a photo, this one is from another day...
I remember meeting this incredibly open guy who was a fireman. Nothing sexier than that. He was beautiful and crazy, damaged, bored with the normal, seeking whatever rock he hadn't turned yet. Right before the pandemic started, we had the best sexual nights where we took a lot of drugs and just enjoyed ourselves to the deepest level you would think of. Our bodies talked without words. Oscar Wilde says, ´You don't love someone for their looks, or their clothes, or for their fancy car, but because they sing a song only you can hear.´ The connection between us was born, and we started enjoying more of us, more frequently. Even though he was in an open relationship, for a while, I had no problem with that. I was the perfect other guy who was providing the best uncomplicated experience. I found myself catching real feelings, wanting to discuss those emotions. Sometimes discussing them may kill the vibe. I did just that. I took this vibe, and I cut the head of it, and then I kicked it like I was the best football player, scoring for none of the teams that were in play. He lost the perfect fuck buddy, and I lost the guy who I felt in love with. It seems strange, but the most powerful emotions that I have ever experienced in my life are created just like that. I am having the deepest connection with someone doing drugs and having the best sex imaginable for a short period of time. We start everything with the idea of not looking for a relationship, and not long after, I develop feelings for these messed up guys, expecting the same thing. Usually, the guy encourages my behavior with words and deeds, which is extremely wrong, I found. Lightning love, which you have no intention of responding to, is dangerous. Leaving such a fire could cost much. Unfortunately, going after the wrong guy is my specialty, and fires like that often burn my existence, like the one I am in now. Either way, the pain and the suffering were experienced and real. Finding words to describe what was so hard to explain years after was provoked by a recent déjà vu that took me out of my game for a while. It's not with the same magnitude, or I am just more equipped to handle it, but still, it shook me to my core. Today, I had a call with a very close friend of mine, who told me that sometimes it is better to write and to release what you want to say. So I had to go forward and experience all over again those feelings, and going through them didn't vanquish them, only made me realize that it was kind of cool to experience such powerful emotions. We are complex creatures, and we are a summary of everything we go through in this life, the good, the bad, and the ugly.
Back on the trail, on the way to the hut, the rain wasn't helping my situation. I was the bad and the ugly, somewhere ahead of us should have been the good. My hiking clothes were basically the cheapest I could afford at that time, which now I realize the stupidity of it. But when you have to do it, you just do it, even with the cheapest shoes that you can find. Recently, on a hike in Scotland, I realized that no matter how expensive your shoes are, if it is raining all day, you are going to get wet. We walked like crazy; these two guys really made me push through my pain, and after a while, the pain became bearable. I remember playing for the first time the new album of Taylor Swift ‘Folklore’. Back then, I didn't realize that this album would become one of my favorites, and the impression from it was washed by the rain. Hiking with someone doesn't necessarily mean that you have to speak all the time. Doing something with someone in silence sometimes is the best spent time. We walked, and most of what I remember from this memorable day was the smell of the wet forest. For a long time, I thought that one of the guys just stinks; it turned out that it was the freaking forest. It smelled like a wet dead animal and sweat from a human. I bet at this point of the journey, we all smelled like that, so maybe it wasn't the forest. I don't know. Walking while raining the whole day, you get to learn the back of your companions, their shoes, like I mentioned smells, and you adjust to their tempo. I was following. I needed someone to take the wheel and push me through. Finding these two guys changed my experience. Even though I was able to enjoy the views, the fear of being alone always disrupted the enjoyment. Sharing the path with these two let me have this moment for myself, feeling the protection of two other individuals, that were bigger and stronger than me, made me relax for a second.
Finally, we stepped on the grounds of the hut, finding there all that we needed. Murgash hut was a big building that looked terrible, but at this point of my journey, anything with a roof and food in it is more than I could wish for. I ate like never before. Even though I was abusing drugs and in normal conditions like living in the city, I could go without food for a lot of time, here, the starvation to taste something home-cooked was stronger than anything else. Whenever there was a cake in the huts, I ate cake.
Night 4:
Before I went to sleep, I ate almost everything on the menu, knowing that my next hike tomorrow would be bigger than the one we did today. The exhaustion from today brought on hunger like never before. Even though the rain was long gone and I had a roof over me, I continued to hear the rain and the drops long after my eyes were shut. What I didn't know about the next hike was that I was going to the Chavdar Hut, where I would spend months after this adventure and where I would meet my partner.
#TheHikeBook
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