Living with a False Diagnosis

Let me share my experience with a false diagnosis. I guess this is my cross to bear, and I bear it like no other. My cross turned out to be full of air not once but twice, but before I knew that, it was unbelievably heavy. Now I am pissed off, even though the outcome is positive. I am angry, and I will try to process what just happened yesterday by channeling my thoughts in this article so I can move away from that hurt. Some would say that I am overanalyzing or too dramatic, or my favorite, that I should focus on the positive. How I loathe this advice, especially given by people who are clearly blind to what you experience. Like controlling your anger is the easiest thing and you can switch from night to day in a second. It is fascinating to me how people tend to dismiss each other's feelings, yet they want their feelings validated all the time. Can we change that?

Around 2018, I could lose myself searching for details, so let's say it is 2018, I went for a regular check for all the sexy venereal diseases to figure out if there is something happening. I think someone tipped me off that I could have something, and I should check myself. Of course, because I am a cheap bastard, I went to the free clinic in Bulgaria, Check Point. Although I do not blame the people that work there for what happened, and their work is vital, the negative connotation with that place would not allow me to go back there anytime soon. And keep in mind that I was barely familiar with this part of the gay life at that time, fresh as a daisy. After taking a quick HIV test, I realized that I would never be the same. The test turned positive, the one thing you don't want to be positive about. After two quick tests, they took my blood and sent it to a laboratory for further confirmation, telling me that the chance of the diagnosis being negative is smaller than 2% or something. These quick tests made my life hell for the next few days. I barely remember how much time it took for these major real blood test results to come out, but in my mind, it was like two weeks. Probably less than that, but man, going back, it seemed like months. Writing about this period of my life brings up those dark feelings that I once felt back then. You have to understand that for the next couple of days or weeks, I was a zombie, considering ending my life. Like I said, I wasn't familiar with the diagnosis; now, HIV is almost inconsequential if you are on therapy. I had to quickly call everyone that I had sex with and tell them to check themselves. The one thing that stopped me from going over the edge was one of the guys I had slept with, who turned out to be HIV positive but undetectable. And if you don't know what that means, I do not have time to get into details, but basically, it means the person is on therapy, gets regular checks, drinks a pill a day, and cannot transmit the virus because it is undetectable. So this guy just took me under his shoulder, told me that everything was okay, poured me whiskey, and explained everything in what seemed like the longest night of my life, in the most gentle way. I will never forget this guy, although we lost contact; that night he saved my life. Two weeks later or whatever, I get a phone call that puts me out of my trance at work. The guy from Check Point called me to tell me that my results are back, and I am clean, and I should come for another test just to be sure. The bubble that I was in exploded. I remember starting to cry at work, and my colleagues looking at me. Two of my favorite colleagues back then came to hug me or something like that. I immediately asked my boss to go home, explained to her about the fake diagnosis without going into much detail, cried a little, and I went home, and I slept like crazy. My body was in struggle during this time, and the struggle was real. Mentally I was exhausted, so after receiving this good news, I was finally able to let go. Now I am clean and I check myself every three months. I take Prep, and if you don't know what Prep is, I will go into much detail soon to let you know. Every three months, I have these feelings bubbling up, and I am gentle to myself because this trauma I will carry for the rest of my life.

So comes the other diagnosis around 2019. But I should go a little back further when the symptoms started in 2013 when I was working in Italy. Back then, I started to have huge migraines that were so painful that my body was made of 60% water with Oki (painkiller). Every now and then, I get these huge series of migraines, probably once a year, that are situated right behind my right eye, and the pain is excruciating. If I don't have a painkiller around me, I usually become a believer and pray to as many gods as I know. It seems funny, but when the pain hits, and it hits slowly, I am consumed by it. It comes like a train from afar, which usually gave me the advantage of 10 minutes to get up and take a painkiller to prevent it. Sometimes, it happened that the pain came a little faster, or I didn't have the remedy with me; during those times, I have to say that this kind of pain is transformative. You live and learn; now I have at least 10 pills wherever I go. Years passed, and 2019 came. After a workout in the gym, the headache came back. With my newly adopted private insurance, I went fully crazy to discover what was the reason behind these migraines. Long story short, a neurologist sent me for an MRI and then, if I remember correctly, to a surgeon who confirmed that I had an Aneurysm in my head that is around 2.2mm. Back then I had no idea what that is; by now, I have watched multiple operations and videos and read numerous articles so I can be familiar with what could possibly happen to me. There are two ways of dealing with Aneurysm. Clipping is done during an open craniotomy; they open the place (in my case, head) and clip the Aneurysm to stop the blood flowing inside, and in that case, stopping it from bursting. Endovascular repair (surgery), most often using a coil or coiling and stenting (mesh tubes), is a less invasive and more common way to treat aneurysms where they put a tube into your vein and navigate it to the bubble and fill it up with these particles that are prohibiting for blood to enter and eventually to burst, which will bring almost inevitable death. 2.2mm is not a lot, but if it surpasses 4, it often becomes concerning, and the outcome may not be desirable. The risks with clipping are scary to think about. So you can imagine me going on with my life understanding that most of my life has to change. And here is the tricky part; this diagnosis was the main motivation for me to fight smoking and drinking. Now, I am clean from both and live a much healthier life than before the diagnosis. From 2019, almost every decision in my life is taken with the consideration that I have an aneurysm. There is not a day when I haven't thought about this aneurysm. Every day or every mild headache was considered as the end. I was fully believing that this is the way I will die, given my experience with the symptoms and what the multiple MRIs and scans showed up. A month ago, I went for my annual check to see if this aneurysm is progressing. Man, when I heard that there is something that is 3.7mm, my heart stopped. The doctor asked me to provide the other CDs so he can compare what is happening. I delivered what he wanted from me and went on with my life, thinking every day that I am doomed. I thought every day if my plans and what I am doing here in Germany are even valid because of what could happen any moment. Do I wish to study for my masters or even learn German while the possibility of dying is growing daily, especially in my mind? Everything was in question. Usually, when everything is okay, I do not get a call, but yesterday, because of a grip, I went to see my doctor who received a mail from the clinic that checked me a month ago. After we talked about my Hashimoto that I also checked, boy, it seems like I am collecting these defects like Pokemon cards, he opened the file for the aneurysm.  I was anxious, but he said there is no aneurysm. I cried, I laughed, I asked ten times if he's sure. I went to tell my partner and my mother after that, that something that haunted me for four years turned out to be non-existent. Of course, there is the possibility that the aneurysm just left the building, but I am pissed off. So much time wasted thinking of this. I am burned out of this problem, and now it is gone, and I hope I don't feel like a joke for the rest of my life. By the way, the title of this article used to be 'Living with an Aneurism,' well not anymore. I am no longer a smoker and no longer a drinker, so I guess there are some things to be positive about. It really helps to write about these things. After going through all of that, now I just feel happy.

What I want to add is that this is my experience, and it turned out to be a weird one. But if you have symptoms or doubts that you have either HIV or an aneurysm, go check yourself. Most of the quick tests are correct, so don't dismiss them when it comes to HIV; I am just glad that in my case, they weren't. It is better to get your blood checked in a laboratory like I do now every three months. Both of these diagnoses are super serious, yet they are most deadly when undetected. Just go check yourself more than once and with more than one expert. This article is more so I can process the anger inside me. Now, of course, I realize that my outcome is the most desirable in these situations, and I can go on with my life.

Iliya Badev